I’m tired of everything. I’m exhausted of being me. I don’t know what to do. Sometimes everything is just so hard. I think I have been comfort eating. What’s stupid is that nobody would tell. I don’t get fat. I’m “lucky”.
I just want to sleep for a very long time. I have the feeling that I used to sometimes when I’m walking in the street and I see a car. I want tit to hit me. It’s not that I want to die. I don’t want that. I just get these thoughts sometimes.
I don’t even know what to write anymore.
Maybe it’s time to go back to basics.
Hi. My name is Lucinda. I’m sixteen and have always been and always will be a dreamer. I aspire to write for a living because I love it. It’s as simple as that.
So why haven’t I been writing? Why haven’t I posted anything on my blog? The truth is, I haven’t been in love with writing. I haven’t been in love with anything. At the moment I am in a difficult place, and what is possibly most difficult about it is that I am struggling to write about it. Writing has been the medium to let out all of my emotions for a long time and yet I haven’t been able to find the words to express how i feel. I want to change that. I want to dive back into the world of poetry and fiction. In the play I am studying for English Lit, “Not About Heroes”, Siegfried Sassoon says to Wilfred Owen that with poetry you have to “sweat your guts out”. That is one of my favourite quotations from the pay because I feel that, even thought I am lucky enough not to be dealing with the tragedies that Owen and Sassoon faced, I can relate to this idea. I believe my best pieces have the most emotion in them. Sweating your guts out, to me, is about delving into the hidden parts of yourself and wrestling to free the emotions, the thoughts and the feelings that had been trapped for so long. It seems a lot easier to push those things away and attempt to repress and forget about them. But the more you try to squash down these large, uncontrollable emotions, the more they swell against the force and beat you mentally and physically.
I’m having trouble expressing myself. I haven’t posted on my blog for weeks now. I have this stupid paradox where I want to be alone because I’m an introvert and that’s how I get my energy (or whatever) but I can’t let out my emotions on my own because I want to talk to someone. And do I scroll through my contacts list, then I do it again, and again until I realise there is nobody I can open up to completely. I love listening to music. I just wish I could play or sing or something so I could let out my feelings. I don’t know why, but recently I’ve been listening to songs from my childhood.
I feel very tired and I am lying on the floor. I wish I didn’t feel so shitty. It’s selfish and I know that.
Because music has been so important to me, I’m going to start writing out my favourite song lyrics out again.
Believe it or not, I haven’t just been a potato all day long. I have been working hard at school and it’s been paying off with good results in practice papers and coursework. My exams are eight weeks away which is terrifying but also kind of a relief to be finally getting them over and done with.I have been running three times a week. This has been the best stress relief, especially with my headphones blasting motivational music. I get pretty tired and go to bed early, so I haven’t been doing much of anything else really. I try to socialize and do things with my friends. I feel happy when I’m around them.
I am very tired now and I think I will go to sleep.