Let it out

5th February:
I’m tired of everything. I’m exhausted of being me. I don’t know what to do. Sometimes everything is just so hard. I think I have been comfort eating. What’s stupid is that nobody would tell. I don’t get fat. I’m “lucky”.
I just want to sleep for a very long time. I have the feeling that I used to sometimes when I’m walking in the street and I see a car. I want tit to hit me. It’s not that I want to die. I don’t want that. I just get these thoughts sometimes.

I don’t even know what to write anymore.

9th February:
Maybe it’s time to go back to basics.
Hi. My name is Lucinda. I’m sixteen and have always been and always will be a dreamer. I aspire to write for a living because I love it. It’s as simple as that.
So why haven’t I been writing? Why haven’t I posted anything on my blog? The truth is, I haven’t been in love with writing. I haven’t been in love with anything. At the moment I am in a difficult place, and what is possibly most difficult about it is that I am struggling to write about it. Writing has been the medium to let out all of my emotions for a long time and yet I haven’t been able to find the words to express how i feel. I want to change that. I want to dive back into the world of poetry and fiction. In the play I am studying for English Lit, “Not About Heroes”, Siegfried Sassoon says to Wilfred Owen that with poetry you have to “sweat your guts out”. That is one of my favourite quotations from the pay because I feel that, even thought I am lucky enough not to be dealing with the tragedies that Owen and Sassoon faced, I can relate to this idea. I believe my best pieces have the most emotion in them. Sweating your guts out, to me, is about delving into the hidden parts of yourself and wrestling to free the emotions, the thoughts and the feelings that had been trapped for so long. It seems a lot easier to push those things away and attempt to repress and forget about them. But the more you try to squash down these large, uncontrollable emotions, the more they swell against the force and beat you mentally and physically.

22nd February:
I’m having trouble expressing myself. I haven’t posted on my blog for weeks now. I have this stupid paradox where I want to be alone because I’m an introvert and that’s how I get my energy (or whatever) but I can’t let out my emotions on my own because I want to talk to someone. And do I scroll through my contacts list, then I do it again, and again until I realise there is nobody I can open up to completely. I love listening to music. I just wish I could play or sing or something so I could let out my feelings. I don’t know why, but recently I’ve been listening to songs from my childhood.
I feel very tired and I am lying on the floor. I wish I didn’t feel so shitty. It’s selfish and I know that.
Because music has been so important to me, I’m going to start writing out my favourite song lyrics out again.

3rd March
Believe it or not, I haven’t just been a potato all day long. I have been working hard at school and it’s been paying off with good results in practice papers and coursework. My exams are eight weeks away which is terrifying but also kind of a relief to be finally getting them over and done with.I have been running three times a week. This has been the best stress relief, especially with my headphones blasting motivational music. I get pretty tired and go to bed early, so I haven’t been doing much of anything else really. I try to socialize and do things with my friends. I feel happy when I’m around them.
I am very tired now and I think I will go to sleep.


Dear Diary #24

Dear diary,

This week I’ve had two friends cry on me for different reasons (1. stress and 2. boyfriend issues…). I think I must attract upset people towards me! I suppose I’m a good listener and I try to give good advice, but I find comforting people awkward and difficult sometimes, especially if a hug and some tissues doesn’t work. But what I thought while I was trying to help them both was that I’m not exactly in a good place to be giving advice. It’s been taking a while to try different ways of reducing stress and managing my time and I’m still not quite there. The positive that has come from this, though, is that I have found some new sources of inspiration:

  1. I started running again. I threw on a hoodie, joggers and my old trainers, stuffed a pair of headphones in my ears and just ran. Sometimes it can be harder than it sounds, especially for girls, because it’s easy to feel self-conscious about your body or going red or sweating. But I just did it and I told myself not to care. Green Day and Blink 182 helped me to power through. The best feeling is the exhilarating boost of energy that you get when you get home.
  2. My volunteering job. I’m on my third week so far, and every time I’ve walked out feeling happy. Being surrounded by books is just a great place to be. I love the old books, especially the pretty copies of the classics. The smell and the feel of the pages. I found a couple with names and dates on the inside in blue cursive lettering, beautiful handwriting. There was even a copy of King Henry IV with the name of one of the local high schools from the 1960s! I spent some time in the back room and some on the till, which I actually enjoy. At first it was scary, especially because of my shyness and tendency to make stupid mistakes, but I soon got the hang of the system and most of the customers were nice.
  3. Friends. This week I’ve gone from feeling pretty lonely to incredibly happy. Last night I went to a friend’s house for a few hours and I was reminded what funny, crazy, but amazing friends I have. Not all of them were there, but we still had fun and I forgot about all of my worries, which was the best feeling I have had in a long while.

I’m grateful to find inspiration like this at times when things are difficult and I’m not always enjoying myself.

Dear Diary #23

Change. A word I’m beginning to hear rather often. Growing up. Bodies changing. Minds changing. Learning, Mistake-making, trying and failing.

The idea seems quite daunting, really. I mean, one minute I’m sitting in the washing basket pretending to be a princess and the next I’m listening to a guy talk about how all of his flatmates at university are on drugs. But the thing is, we need change to thrive.

The flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful of all.

(Emperor of China, Mulan)

After all, (and I know this sounds cheesy) we need to make mistakes to learn from them, and we need to struggle sometimes to get to the places we want to reach.

It’s when the change is out of our control that it feels most difficult. I found this quote from one of my favourite books:

Things change. And friends leave. Life doesn’t stop for anybody

(The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky)

It’s so true. Life doesn’t and never will stop for anybody. Time will always keep moving and as a result things will continue to change.

The idea of change only works if we are willing to change ourselves. The more open minded you are, the more likely you’ll cope with change. In this past week, I have been trying to break down the walls that have closed my mind off and shut it down into a negative place. One by one, I have taken the parts of my life, had a good look at them and made the changes I needed. It’s going to take some time to make a difference, but I know that it will make me a better person.

The first thing I looked at was the way I organise my time, because I was being swamped by revision and school work and gradually becoming too tired for anything else. It’s not a place I want to put myself in. So I cut down to the essential amount (which is four hours per subject each week) and I have assigned Saturday as NO-REVISION-day. I felt happier simply by making the new timetable.

That was the easy part, I guess. The next thing I did was something I will be working on for a while: my attitude. I have and will always fight the urge to be a perfectionist. I get it from my mum. But I’m trying to push past those stressful thoughts and goals. I have a new mantra, “It’s okay.” It’s okay to eat a ton of biscuits. It’s okay to say something silly and get embarrassed. It’s okay to be the quiet one. It’s okay to fail a test. It’s okay to get upset sometimes.

It’s my version of “fake it til you make it”, because the more I say these things, the more I will believe them. I don’t want to settle for the things I already have – I do want to grow and change and that’s why it’s “okay” rather than good. It’s okay because it’s not the end of the world. Next time it won’t be okay; it will be good. Or even amazing.

Still, like I said, there are things we can’t control. And there are ‘toxic’ people who only seem to hurt others. For instance, I know I’ll never have a great relationship with my dad because of the distance, geographically and mentally I suppose, but I accept that. It might have to stay an “okay” and never quite reach a good. But that in itself is okay. If you get what I mean…

I found this inspiring Apple quote, which I really love:

Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do

I don’t know if I’m a rebel or a troublemaker. I do know that I have never quite fitted in and I think I see things differently, so maybe I am crazy. Maybe I am a genius. (Probably not… I’d like to think so, though!)

James Bay-Scars

This song might be about relationships, but I also like to think about the idea of scars in general. Scars remind us of what we have been through. It might hurt to be reminded, but sometimes its worth it to see how far you have come and how much you have changed for the better.

Alvvays- Adult Diversion

This video makes me smile. Hearing the song usually puts me in a good mood, too. I hope that if your day is only an “okay” that maybe the dog in this video will change it to a good.

Dreamer Girl  🙂

Tick Tock Tick Tock…Stop looking at the clock!

I find myself checking the clock, planning my minutes, constantly chasing after the ticking hands. Where did the time go? A question that I am forever asking. While I try not to dwell on the seconds, minutes, hours that have gone, it seems that I am always asking for a little more time. Being a fairly organised person as well as a perfectionist means that doing things to the standard I am happy with can take a lot of time. The focus at the moment-and for the next few months- is on school, revision and preparing for exams. I take my education seriously and want to do the best that I can, but it’s hard to strike the balance between achieving my best and not burning myself out.

I’m trying to be the best I can be- as a person, a friend, a student, a daughter, sister, writer and more. But there are negative thoughts itching to take over. You’re too shy.Oh, and boring. They say. You’ll never get enough revision done. Again and again. No one cares. But I know its not true. I have to remind myself that, or I begin to be sucked into the downward spiral. That’s when those thoughts build and build. I start hating myself. I get tired of being me. And then I hate that all I am thinking about is myself, wallowing in self-pity.

Stop! I tell myself. Just calm down, chill out, relax. Sometimes I wish I had a car to go out in, turn up the music loud and just drive without caring where I go. Every now and then, just imagining it is kind of soothing.

I need to stop more. I need to check my watch less. Time is going to move on whether I’m watching the minutes tick or not. I just need to accept that things are moving quickly and I have no control over that. Being on the verge of adulthood, yet seeming so far away from my dreams is a tricky time.

I’ve been listening to this song a lot. I’m not fully sure what the intended meaning is, but when I interpret it, I think about how life is short, like a short movie.

Also, when I think about driving, this song always creeps into my head

Dear Diary #22

Dear diary

“I don’t know about you but I’m feeling twenty-two”!!!

This week has been weird. At the moment my life is kind of being ruled by school work and it’s only going to get worse as exams draw nearer. The stupid thing is that I stress myself out to the point where I get tired or ill, which is all my own fault. I don’t need to hear the teachers telling us that this year is big jump from GCSEs etc. or people saying ‘oh, you’re smart. I bet you don’t even need to revise.’ (by the way, actually YES I DO.) because I already pressure myself. It’s annoying how simple my problem is. It’s the cliché, the only person in your way is you. But it’s true. I am my own worst enemy. I know all of the weaknesses and flaws that will break me.

On Thursday, it was a bad day. Some days are like that, just bad, and there’s nothing you can do about it but wait until tomorrow and start again. I opened up my laptop and typed, and this was what came out:

Oh dear. Well, nobody said being a teenager is easy.

My mum said exactly how I have been feeling today. She said that we all want to do everything now. And she was right – we are on the verge of adulthood and we itch with impatience to experience all of the things that make us feel young and infinite. Driving, parties,friends, drinking, boyfriends and girlfriends, falling in love… It’s all we focus on. Yet our bodies are still chock full of hormones flying around and we’re still growing as people.

I got too stressed out today. Now my eyes kind of sting from crying,  but I feel better for letting it out. In typical teenage fashion, in letting out all of my stress, I let out all the other worries, many of which are sort of ridiculous. Like, how I want a boyfriend. It isn’t so ridiculous, but the things I am looking for definitely are, and that’s probably why I haven’t found a suitable guy yet. And even if I did, I would probably be too shy to talk to him! I was in so much of a state that I started hating myself for being shy and introverted. I know its okay to be these things and there are plenty of positives, but like I said…typical teenage, hormone raging moments.

Right now I’m listening to The Cure, which makes me happy. I’m struggling to keep my eyes open, I have multiple essays that need to be done and I haven’t done enough reading today, but that’s okay. I have realised that sometimes you just have to say that it’s okay and deal with the fact that things are allowed to be okay and not perfect all the time.

Okay, okay here is my list of criteria for my ideal boyfriend (yes, it is pretty long. I don’t think I’m going to find him any time soon)

  1. Must be honest and open
  2. Maturity, at least as much as I am if not more
  3. Attractiveness would be useful (but obviously, it’s not the most important thing)
  4. Good taste in music (if you don’t like music or listen to it, I’m sorry but I don’t think we can even be friends…)
  5. Caring
  6. NOT arrogant, pig-headed or self-obsessed. If you take longer than me to get ready then please leave.
  7. Able to make me laugh and just have fun!
  8. Not too serious or clingy
  9. Focused and purposeful. Someone without goals or any idea of what they want to do with their life is a bit of a turnoff
  10. Creative or talented in their own way.
  11. Easy to talk to and happy to share their thoughts too.
  12. Willing to try to get on with my friends and willing to let me try to do the same with his friends.
  13. Hopefully enjoys reading, or has a couple of common interests at least.
  14. I’m not proud of this, but able to have burping contests with me. I can burp pretty loud. I mean, sometimes I sound like a dude.
  15. Thoughtful and clever. I like to have deep conversations. If hairstyles are the limit of your depth of mind, then sorry but I’m not the girl for you.

This list could continue even more, but I think you get the gist. I haven’t found this guy yet, but I’m convinced he’s out there somewhere…

It makes me laugh reading it even now! What am I like?… I was right about letting things be okay, though. Okay can be enough.

Anyway, I’ve managed to de-stress a little over the weekend with the help of my new job. I started volunteering at a charity bookshop and so far it’s been great. The back room is a little chilly, but the people are lovely and I’m allowed to drink tea while I work, so that can only be a bonus. And I’m surrounded by books all day!

My inspiration this week has been Sia’s music. Particularly, ‘Burn the Pages’ because the lyrics have reminded me to stop dwelling on the past, stop worrying and let go. Also, the official video for Elastic Heart was released recently. I liked the way it could be interpreted differently, as the dancers could represent a number of different roles and characters as part of various stories. According to Sia, the song was written about the struggle between the two sides of herself.

I feel more prepared for next week now. I made a timetable, tidied my bedroom and study room, all of the essential homework and revision is complete. There’s a cheesecake in the fridge, which makes me just as happy as I was listening to The Cure on Thursday.

Thanks and congratulations for making it this far! Remember, do what makes you happy, whether it’s listening to The Cure, eating cheesecake or just smiling because you can and ‘okay’ is enough.

Dear Diary #21

Dear diary,

Wow, what a week! January has been surprisingly good so far. We’ve not quite reached the stage where most people have given up their New Years Resolutions and are hit by ‘January Blues’ so I suppose most of us are still feeling hyped and enthusiastic. I haven’t made any kind of formal resolutions this year because I’d rather focus on small goals one step at a time. One of the techniques I was shown for handling exam stress last year was a ‘100 days calendar’ in which you write three goals every day. They can be anything from going to bed at a decent hour to writing up that two thousand word essay. I began using it again and started a few days ago. It’s proven very successful so far and I would recommend it anyone as a way to cope with stress or simply avoid procrastination. Also, you can plan it to end on the day of a big event so that all of the goals build up towards it.

One of the things that occurred to me this week was this: it’s weird how something that was once so important to you is gone and forgotten. And then, when you are reminded of it, all those memories flood back. I re-downloaded a music app on my phone that I used to use all the time, but for some reason or other, gradually stopped using and deleted. There was still an account I had saved, with not only a profile picture of a younger me, but a playlist of a whole host of songs I had forgotten about. These were songs that I would listen to over and over every day, and now, as I listened recently I realised it had been over a year since I had listened to most of them. I made me wonder, how we can go from loving something so much to simply forgetting?

There is music, and possessions and all these kind of things. And then there are people. I thought about how many people in my life I have cared about so much and been so close to, that now I haven’t even seen in years. The problem with looking back is that it does two things. It either makes you sad or it compares old happiness to current sadness. And often this nostalgia idealises memories and blocks out all of the bad things that may have been happening. So while listening to that music again gave me a mixture of happiness and sadness, I didn’t want to dwell on it. I want to listen to new music and find new songs to fall in love with.

Thursday could only be described as traumatically awkward. A number of things happened.

  1. I rang a friend while they were on the toilet. This should be more embarrassing for them, surely? Oh, no. I misheard and thought she said she was in the toilets, as in the school toilets, doing her makeup or something. So I proceeded to talk to her. But she was actually sitting on the toilet…
  2. I felt generally awkward as I walked home on my own. Not because I was on my own – I’m fine with that. There were two groups of people that I was in between for almost all of the way. I knew all of the people in both groups, but the problem was that they were more like acquaintances than friends. So I had the awkward feeling of: should I talk to them? I opted to pretend how absorbed I was by my phone, the ‘safe’ option I suppose. Still, I couldn’t help but feel awkward as I walked along because they were all aware that I was there, yet they didn’t say or do anything. Thinking about it know, I was probably just over analysing, but it seemed like a pretty big (and awkward) deal
  3. As soon as I got home, I felt that my nose was starting to run so I reached for a tissue and blew my nose. Except, my nose wasn’t actually running, it was bleeding. So I spurted blood everywhere, which was pleasant… Luckily I am used to nosebleeds, so I didn’t freak out too much and go all ‘Carrie’ on everyone or anything. When I was younger, for a whole summer I used to have a nosebleed every day. I remember going to the doctor and being given some weird tube to squirt up my nose. Not nice.

On Friday, I was thrilled to check my notifications and see that I had reached 200 followers! I had a little ‘woop woop!’ and was given a reason to be smiling all day. Thanks to everyone following me!

The weekend was fun and exciting for a number of reasons. I went to a friend’s birthday party. There were two rather scary things: alcohol and new people. At first I went into panic mode because I felt too shy and intimidated by the people I didn’t know. But then I started to relax and although I could have mingled a bit more, I had fun with the friends I know and without drinking too much. It turned out to be a great night and now I know that I could actually handle  the amount of alcohol pretty well! I’m glad to have the friends I do and sometimes I don’t appreciate them enough, really. Most of them are pretty sensible like me and yet we still have a good time and a laugh.

I can’t stop thinking about summer and how I want to do some new and exciting things. I want to feel young and alive and free. And at the moment, I feel like summer is the thing to look forward to while I get through my exams.

I hope you all had a good week, free from January blues!

Dear Diary #20

Dear diary,

First of all, this week has been increasingly productive. Yay! *celebratory dance*

I’ve been thinking about school a lot, and…stressing. Right now, I don’t feel so bad, but sometimes I get into a state of panic when I think about the exams coming up in May. To some that’s a long way off, but time seems to be slipping through my fingers too quickly at the moment.

The positive thoughts that helped me were reminders of all the work I’ve done so far. I advise anyone that worries like I do, just think about how much closer to your goals you are now than you were, say, three or four months ago. All you can do is get better from this point, so hold on to that thought. Eventually, the little negative voices saying ‘You can’t do this’ and ‘You’re going to fail’ will die down.In fact, I’m pretty sure you can apply this not just to exams, but any goals you work towards where you may lose confidence in yourself.

Then I thought about the summer. It’s a long way off and I’m reminded every time I step out side and wish I had put another jumper on. But… I want it to be brilliant. Its something to look forward to. Exams will be over, I will hopefully be driving by then (I turn seventeen in March so fingers crossed my driving lessons will go well from then) and I will have plenty of free time for friends, family, writing, reading and all the hobbies I neglect while studying. Focusing on these ideas helps me put my worries into perspective: they are just a step I need to take to get closer to where I want to be in the future. In all honesty, I don’t know where that is. University first (which one, I don’t know yet) and I’m not sure after that. But that’s okay. I still have time to decide.

While I was reflecting, I thought about something that I am ultimately grateful for; I am never bored. Yes, I’m busy a lot of the time and get stressed or have arguments with my family. Yes, I struggle to fit in all the things I want to do, like reading for pleasure rather than studies and even going for walks. And yes, I often feel tired and this makes me look at things from a poor perspective. BUT, I’m always doing something and that makes me happy in the end. I would rather feel like I am achieving something, by working hard and putting in lots of effort, than feel bored. Some people say revision is so boring and they can’t concentrate. I get so stuck into it that I am concentrating too much to find it boring. It’s the feeling of doing, of ticking off the checklist that keeps me going. So, I am thankful for never being bored and always having the drive to prevent it.

In the past I have listed songs I have been listening to. Let me know if this is something you want me to continue or if you have any other ideas!